literature

Solomon's Lines

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Literature Text

Fred tiptoed into his room, then logged on to Artium Obscurorum, typing as quietly as he could. He navigated to the forum and started a new thread under the "Help/FAQ" section:

"Hey all, name's Fred, 22-year-old amatuer sorcerer. I've mostly just dabbled around in conjurings, but I've been trying to pick up some necromancy to help raise a little cash on the side..."

He stopped when he heard the noise, familiar and yet still terrifying: an energetic, almost jovial clickety-clack that was moving down the hall towards him. He resumed typing, more frantically than before:

"So anyway I was trying what I thought was going to be a routine re-animation of my old pet turtle Solomon but then something happened and..."

"FRED."

The voice, deep and unearthly, sent shivers up Fred's spine. He shuddered, then turned around in his chair. Standing in the doorway was the skeleton of an adult turtle. Though the shell had retained its muddy green color, the rest of the bones were bleached white. A small purple flame burned in each of the empty eye sockets.

A nervous laugh escaped from Fred's lips.

"Oh, h-h-hey, Solomon! I didn't hear you coming? What's up?"

"FRED. WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH ARCHITECTS?"

Fred let out another nervous laugh, glancing from side to side as he scanned the room. Solomon was blocking the only exit.

"Umm, I don't know, buddy, why don't you give me a second to think about that..."

Fred trailed off as he spun back around in his chair and desperately tried to finish his forum post:

"and now somehow he's been possessed by the soul of some guy trying to break into stand-up comedy in the 90's and I can't seem to undo it and he sometimes gets really aggressive..."

"FRED!"

Fred yelped and fell out of the chair; the voice was louder and more piercing than he'd ever heard before. Solomon had grown ten times his normal size, taking up most of the small bedroom. The purple fire in his eyes now engulfed his entire skeletal frame.

"FRED! WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH ARCHITECTS?"

Fred stared at the giant, undead turtle for a few seconds, trembling. He swallowed, then finally stammered out:

"I-I-I don't k-know, man, w-what is the d-d-deal with archit-tects?"

"THEY ARE ALWAYS CALLING THEM 'BUILDINGS.' WHY DON'T THEY CALL THEM 'BUILTS?' THEY LOOK FINISHED TO ME."

Fred and Solomon stared at each other silently for a few seconds. Then,

"YOU DON'T THINK IT'S FUNNY."

Fred swallowed again.

"Well, I mean..."

"BWA! BWAHAHA!"

Before Fred could finish, Solomon shrank and ran out of the room, apparently crying, though the sound still made Fred want to duck under his bedsheets and hide. Bracing himself, he ran to the bedroom door.

"Solomon, buddy, it's nothing personal! It's just that that material's pretty dated and I think you'd get the timing better if you could come up with your own jokes and..."

His words were drowned out by the sounds of a slap-bass riff; Solomon was starting up another episode of Seinfeld.

Sighing, Fred walked back to the computer and slumped down in his chair. Solomon's ghostly laughter mixed with an occasional sob drifted down the hallway. A minute passed, and then Fred sat up and finished his post:

"And, in general, it's just getting really hard being his only emotional support in all of this. So, if someone knows how to revert him back to his old personality or if there are any sort of comedy clubs for undead turtles, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks!"
See, this is the kind of flashfic I can get behind. This is the kind that makes me feel good. This is the kind that's so completely random and asinine (thanks to PsychoPath-et-ic for reminding me of that word) that even I wonder where it came from. 

I love it.

Today's piece was based on shadowdjinni's prompt: "He had all the humor of a dead turtle." I think my gut reaction must have been something like "Well, who's to say that dead turtles aren't funny?" Although Solomon here is more of an undead turtle, I suppose.

Viva la FFM! Read today's other entries via the comment section here.
© 2016 - 2024 J2571
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GDeyke's avatar
This is the best way for necromancy to go wrong. :XD: